


Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Undead

by ScoobyDoobyDrew



Category: Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead - Stoppard
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Alternate Universe - Vampire Slayer, Comedy, Gen, Parody, Vampires, bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 09:58:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScoobyDoobyDrew/pseuds/ScoobyDoobyDrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vampire AU. Written in three days for an English assignment. Pretty bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Undead

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead

ACT I

_Two_ VAMPIRE HUNTERS _passing the time in a place without any visible character._

_They are well equipped – leather armor, stakes at their sides, pouches of holy water and all._

_Each has a pouch in which they carry their money._ GUILDENSTERN _is taking coins out and flipping them, while_ ROSENCRANTZ _studies the flipped coin and announces its fall. If heads he takes it and places it in his bag._

_The coins have landed heads an inordinate amount of times._ ROSENCRANTZ (‘ROS’) _is untroubled, albeit guilty for taking so much of his friend’s money._ GUILDENSTERN (‘GUIL’) _is puzzled, but not panicking._

GUIL _flips._ ROS _studies and announces._

ROS: Heads.

_He places it in his bag. Again a coin is flipped._

ROS: Heads.

_Again._

ROS: Heads.

_Again._

ROS: Heads.

_Again._

ROS: Heads.

_Again._

ROS: Heads.

GUIL: ( _flipping)_ There is an art to the building up of suspense.

ROS: Heads.

GUIL: ( _flipping another_ ) Though it can be done by luck alone.

ROS: Heads.

GUIL: If that’s the word I’m after.

ROS: ( _raises his head at_ GUIL) Seventy-six – love.

GUIL _stands, turns, and flips a coin over his back, uninterested at the result._

GUIL: It’s all quite impossible, isn’t it? Seventy-six times heads?

ROS: ( _examining newly flipped coin_ ) Heads. Seventy-seven.

GUIL: ( _correcting_ himself) Seventy-seven times heads? ( _noncommittally flips another_ ) It goes against all laws of probability. 

ROS: Heads.

GUIL: ( _begins pacing_ ) There’s that old parable. How does it go? If you have six monkeys all typing – no, wait. ( _flips a coin_ ) If you have s- six monkeys….

ROS: Heads.

GUIL: If you have six monkeys and they’re all typing on typewriters at random, and you throw them all in the air. ( _flips another_ ) Then probability states that they should land about as often on their tails as they do on their–

ROS: Heads. That’s eighty. 

GUIL: ( _stops)_ I can’t help but feel we’re missing something. ( _turns to_ ROS _)_ What’s the first thing you remember?

ROS: Hmm… I can’t seem to recall; it was too long ago.

GUIL: ( _frustrated_ ) No, no, you misunderstand! What’s the first thing you _remember?_

ROS: ( _deep in thought, confused_ ) We’ve been flipping coins as long as I can remember.

GUIL: ( _desperate now, almost frantic_ ) That’s just it! There’s got to be something before this! We must have ended up on this road for some reason! ( _takes a coin out and flips, subconsciously_ )

ROS: ( _indifferent, unconcerned_ ) Heads. Eighty-one.

GUIL: ( _calm now, but confused_ ) W-we were… at home? Right? At home and something happened.

ROS: Someone came?

GUIL: ( _remembering_ ) Yes. Yes! A messenger came, seeking us.

ROS: A messenger from the king!

GUIL: From the king! And he was… he told us… that we must come to Elsinore… I cannot remember why.

ROS: It was because the king summoned us! He sent a messenger and everything.

GUIL: Yes, but to what end? For what purpose?

ROS: Well… I believe he was in need of our services.

GUIL: ( _irritated_ ) Yes, but what are our services?

ROS: ( _as if this is obvious_ ) Why, they’re the ones that only we can provide, of course.

GUIL: ( _exasperated_ ) But what is it we can provide!?

ROS: Our services, obviously.

GUIL: For whom?

ROS: The king. And to help Lord Hamlet.

GUIL: Lord Hamlet? ( _pause_ ) What is the matter with Lord Hamlet?

ROS: ( _plainly_ ) He’s in need of our services.

GUIL: Our services as what?

ROS: Vampire hunters, I’d assume.

GUIL: What vampires are we to hunt?

ROS: Lord Hamlet.

GUIL: Hamlet!? ( _begins pacing again, thinking deeply_ ) We are at home, and are visited by a messenger–

ROS: A _royal_ messenger!

GUIL: Visited by a _royal_ messenger, who seeks us on behalf of the king to solicit our services–

ROS: Our services as vampire hunters!

GUIL: Yes. He seeks these services because his nephew, young Hamlet still dressed in mourning black following the passing of his father King Hamlet, has been consumed by an unholy power, transfiguring the once-noble youth into a slavering, mad beast, lusting after the blood of others.

ROS: And so it is our job to heal him?

GUIL: No, gentle Rosencrantz–

ROS: I thought I was Guildenstern? 

GUIL: Fine, then. Gentle Guildenstern, he is far past help. It is our job to now purge the Earth of the evil that he brings it. There is something rotten in the state of Denmark, and it is us who must cleanse it.

ROS: ( _his head perks up_ ) Wait. I can hear – I thought I heard – music.

GUIL _stops pacing, a thing he was definitely doing for this entire period._

GUIL: Yes?

ROS: Like a band. ( _he looks around and laughs embarrassedly_ ) It sounded like – a band. Drums.

GUIL: Yes.

ROS: ( _relaxes_ ) It couldn’t have been real, it must have been thunder. Like drums…

_A band is now faintly audible, but growing in volume._

GUIL: I hear it too…

ROS: ( _suddenly eager_ ) I knew all along it was a band!

GUIL: ( _tiredly_ ) He knew all along it was a band.

_The sound is quite loud now. Enter the_ TRAGEDIANS. _They are six in number, including a small_ BOY (ALFRED). _Two pull and push a cart piled with props and belongings. There is also a_ DRUMMER, _a_ HORN-PLAYER, _and a_ FLAUTIST. _The_ SPOKESMAN _(‘the_ PLAYER _’) has no instrument. He brings up the rear and is the first to notice them._

PLAYER: Ha-alt!

_The group turns and halts._

PLAYER: ( _joyously_ ) An audience!

ROS: Who, if I may ask, are you?

PLAYER: ( _grandly_ ) Us? Why, we are but artists plying our trade. The Muses’ followers, attempting to perfect our craft. We are tellers of stories, portrayers of peril, magicians of emotion, masters of the stage, prac–

GUIL: ( _interrupting_ ) So you’re actors then?

PLAYER: Tragedians! The most humble actors, at your service. ( _he bows Osrically low, with a flourish_ )

ROS: And what service is that?

PLAYER: Why the service only we can provide, naturally!

ROS: But what is it that you can provide?

PLAYER: Tragedy! Specifically tragedy concerning itself with that that is beyond nature. Horrendous beasts, creatures of the night, and most especially drinkers of blood, driven mad with the evils of the devil, maligned by God and men.

GUIL: You specialize in vampiric tragedy?

PLAYER: Precisely! Of all types: the sympathetic hemovore who detests his mutated form and seeks self-slaughter; the heinous nosferatu who lurks in the shadows and preys on the weak and innocent; the vampiric vamp, female and lovely, lamiae who corrupt and devour seemingly-virtuous men.

ROS: Sounds like quite the repertoire.

PLAYER: Oh but it is! And these conceited fancies, these fanciful conceits, can be enjoyed for only a small price. ( _advancing_ _slowly towards the pair_ ) We do not require much; even a single coin can jingle! And, if you’re interested, if you have ever dreamed of such things, and if you have the coin, you can take part. ( _he is now uncomfortably close to the two, they take a step back_ ) What do you say? ( _he steps towards them, they shrink away again_ ) Have you ever wanted to taste blood? ( _another step_ ) To know the frightful power of the night? ( _he steps close to them again, he grabs_ GUIL’s _sleeve, the pair does not move)_ To sink your teeth into the neck of a nubile young lady – Alfred, get the dress on! ( _Alfred begins struggling into a dress)_ – To fee–

GUIL _slaps the_ PLAYER _hard across the face._

PLAYER: ( _resigned_ ) Alfred, take off the skirt. 

_The_ BOY _stops struggling with the women’s clothing._

GUIL: ( _quietly, shaking with anger and fear_ ) It could have been – it didn’t have to be _obscene_ … It could have been anything, I was _prepared_! But it’s this, is it? No enigma, no dignity, nothing classical portentous, only this – a comic pornographer and a rabble of demonic prostitutes…

PLAYER: ( _bowing sadly_ ) You should have caught us in better times, before _Twilight_ and _The Vampire Diaries_. We were purists then. ( _straightens up_ ) ON-WARD!

_The_ TRAGEDIANS _begin moving. As soon as they are offstage, a lighting change sufficient to alter the exterior mood to interior, but nothing violent._

_And_ OPHELIA _runs on in some alarm, holding up her skirts – followed by_ HAMLET.

OPHELIA _has been sewing and she holds the garment. They are both mute._ HAMLET, _with his doublet all unbraced, no hat upon his head, his stockings fouled, ungartered and down-gyved to his ankle, pale as his shirt, his knees knocking each other, and brilliant white fangs just visible behind his pale lips… and with a look so piteous, he takes her by the wrist and holds her hard, then he goes to the length of his arm, and with his other hand over his brow, falls to such perusal of her face as he would draw it… At last, with a little shaking of his arm, and thrice his head waving up and down, he raises a sigh so piteous and profound that it does seem to shatter all his bulk and end his being. That done he lets her go, and with his head over his shoulder turned, he goes out backwards without taking his eyes off her… She runs off in the opposite direction._

ROS _and_ GUIL _have frozen._ GUIL _unfreezes first. He jumps at_ ROS.

GUIL: Come on!

_But a flourish – enter_ CLAUDIUS _and_ GERTRUDE _, attended._

CLAUDIUS: Welcome, dear Rosencrantz… ( _he raises a hand at_ GUIL _while_ ROS _bows –_ GUIL _bows late and hurriedly_ ) … and Guildenstern.

_He raises a hand at_ ROS _while_ GUIL _bows to him –_ ROS _is still straightening up from his previous bow and halfway up he bows down again. With his head down, he twists to look at_ GUIL _, who is on the way up._

CLAUDIUS: Moreover that we did much long to see you,  
The need we have to use you did provoke  
Our hasty sending. Something have you heard  
Of Hamlet’s transformation – so call it,  
Sith nor th’exterior nor the inward man  
Resembles that it was. I entreat you both  
That, being so revered for the services which you provide,  
That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court  
Some little time, so by your skills  
To find him and purge him of this evil  
That has overtaken his immortal soul.

GERTRUDE: Good gentlemen ( _they both bow_ ), I have heard much of you,  
And sure I am, two men there is not living  
Who are more capable. If it will please you  
To show us so much gentry and good will  
As to expend your time with us awhile  
For the supply and profit of our hope,  
Your visitation shall receive such thanks  
As fits a king’s remembrance.

ROS: Both your majesties  
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,  
Put your dread pleasures more into command  
Than to entreaty

GUIL: But we both obey,  
And here give up ourselves in the full bent  
To lay our service freely at your feet,  
To be commanded.

CLAUDIUS: Thanks, Rosencrantz ( _turning to_ ROS _who is caught unprepared, while_ GUIL _bows_ ) and gentle Guildenstern ( _turning to_ GUIL _who is bent double_ ).

GERTRUDE: ( _correcting_ ) Thanks Guildenstern ( _turning to_ ROS, _who bows as_ GUIL _checks upward movement to bow too – both bent double, squinting at each other_ ) … and gentle Rosencrantz ( _turning to_ GUIL _, both straightening up –_ GUIL _checks again and bows again_ ).  
And I beseech you instantly to visit  
My too much changed son. Though it pains me,  
His soul must be cleansed and put to rest.

GUIL: Heaven make our presence and our practices  
Pleasant and helpful to him.

GERTRUDE: Ay, amen!

ROS _and_ GUIL _move to a downstage wing. Enter_ Polonius. _He rushes towards_ CLAUDIUS _and the others._

POLONIUS: The ambassadors from Norway, my good lord, are joyfully returned.

CLAUDIUS: Thou still hast been the father of good news.

POLONIUS: Have I, my lord? Assure you, my good liege,  
I hold my duty…

_They exit,_ POLONIUS _still talking, leaving_ ROS _and_ GUIL.

ROS: ( _sits down_ ) So, what now?

GUIL: Well, isn’t it obvious? We hunt for Hamlet and put his poor, corrupted soul to rest.

ROS: How?

GUIL: How do we normally do it?

ROS: Don’t you know?

GUIL: Don’t _you?_

ROS: No repeating questions! That’s a point for me. Why don’t you know?

GUIL: Why can’t I remember?

ROS: Have you tried remembering?

GUIL: ( _snapping_ ) Of course I’ve tried!

ROS: Ah! That’s an answer! Another point for me! 

GUIL: ( _a long pause, he is trying to not be angry_ ) …Fine, where do you think we should start?

ROS: Well, where is Hamlet?

GUIL: ( _exploding_ ) How should I know!?

ROS: Ah! No rhetorical questions! Another point for me! 

GUIL: ( _seizing him violently_ ) WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?

ROS: Rhetoric! Game and match!

_As they have been talking, the stage has filled slowly with smoke. It is now coiling about their feet, thick and opaque._

_Behind them, suddenly is_ THE DARK PRINCE OF THE NETHERWORLD, HAMLET. _At first, they do not notice._

HAMLET: My excellent good friends! ( _the pair jump in surprise as they notice him for the first time, and_ HAMLET _puts his arms around each_ ) How dost thou, Guildenstern? ( _he looks at_ ROS, _who is confused and scared._ HAMLET _realizes his mistake and corrects himself_ ) Ah, Rosencrantz!

_He laughs jovially, but malevolently, revealing a mouthful of brilliant white teeth, including two large fangs._ ROS _smiles slightly and chuckles nervously._ GUIL _is quiet and very, very scared._

HAMLET: Good lads, how do you both?

**_BLACKOUT_ **

ACT II

_A direct continuation of the previous scene._ HAMLET _is still talking with_ ROS _and_ GUIL _in roughly the same position. The duo still looks very frightened, but_ HAMLET _is calm, nonaggressive, and debonair, albeit quite threatening._

HAMLET: Gentlemen, I know why you are here.

ROS: Y-you do?

HAMLET: Yes, you’re here because you think you can stop me.

GUIL: We do not think it, vile one. We know it. We are warriors of God, here to destroy the demon which you have become.

HAMLET: ( _he laughs darkly, sinister_ ) By all means, do it. ( _he spreads his arms_ ) Kill me now. I wish for nothing more than death.

_The pair does not move._ ROS _gives a hesitant glance at_ GUIL.

HAMLET: Or is it that you are afraid? Do you think I will murder you if you make the slightest move? Drain your body of its fluids, and leave you no more than a lifeless husk upon the ground?

ROS _is now visibly shaking._ GUIL _stands resolute, but unmoving._

HAMLET: ( _bitterly_ ) Do not worry, I will not. So long as you stay out of my way. I have business to attend to on Earth as of yet, and will not allow myself to be damned by two bumbling vampire hunters until I have had my revenge.

GUIL: Revenge?

HAMLET: ( _ignoring him_ ) There is nothing left on this Earth for me. I have of late, since the start of my ( _pause_ ) _affliction_ , lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame the Earth seems to me a sterile promontory, this most excellent canopy the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god: the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals – and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me – not, aught but his blood delights me.

ROS: ( _aside to_ GUIL) What’s he on about?

GUIL: ( _aside to_ ROS) I haven’t the bloodiest idea. ( _to_ HAMLET) What revenge is it that you seek?

HAMLET: ( _turning back to the two, as if he had forgotten they were there_ ) Oh, you don’t know? ( _he chuckles again_ ) Well you will find out soon enough, if I have my way. Either way, for now, we part ways.

_The lights go out. There is a high-pitched, drawn out scream, and loud, dastardly, hammy laughing from_ HAMLET. _The lights come back on, and it is made apparent that it is_ ROS _screaming in falsetto._ HAMLET _has disappeared._

ROS _’s screaming slowly trails off as he realizes that he is fine._

ROS: ( _looking around bewilderedly_ ) H-he’s gone!

GUIL: ( _sits down, dejected_ ) Well, what are we meant to do now? We had a perfect shot at him, and we completely blew it! 

ROS: ( _his head perks up_ ) Hold on.

GUIL: What is it?

ROS: I can hear – I thought I heard – music.

_A familiar melody begins playing and getting louder, as if approaching from afar. Enter the_ TRAGEDIANS _once more, still pulling their cart._

GUIL: ( _incredulous_ ) You!?

PLAYER: Why yes, us!

ROS: What are you doing here?

PLAYER: What any good acting troupe does! We’re here to put on a performance!

GUIL: I’m sure the court currently plagued by a bloodsucking demon would simply love one of your so-called “tragedies”.

PLAYER: Oh, but they would! Art has a peculiar way of shedding light on reality. Art imitates life, as they say. ( _he chuckles_ ) Or perhaps life imitates art, who knows?

ROS: ( _aside to_ GUIL) What’s he on about?

GUIL: ( _aside to_ ROS) I haven’t the bloodiest idea.

PLAYER: Positions everyone! ( _the company begins moving_ )

GUIL: What’s going on?

PLAYER: You’re in luck today! We’re going to give you a special performance. You can think of it as a front-row seat to our dress-rehearsal. Now just step back some – there, that’s fine.

_The actors are set in their positions._

PLAYER-KING: Thirty times hath Phoeb–

PLAYER: No! No! Dumbshow first, you confounded majesty!

_The actors scramble once more, changing positions to the proper starting place._

PLAYER: ( _to_ ROS _and_ GUIL) They’re a bit out of practice, but they always pick up wonderfully for the deaths – it brings out the poetry in them.

GUIL: How nice.

PLAYER: There’s nothing more unconvincing than an unconvincing death.

GUIL: I’m sure.

PLAYER _claps his hands_

PLAYER: Act One – moves now.

_The mime. Soft music from a recorder._ PLAYER-KING _and_ PLAYER-QUEEN _embrace. She kneels and makes a show of protestation to him. He takes her up, declining his head upon her neck. He lies down. She, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Enter the_ PLAYER-PRINCE, _portrayed by the_ PLAYER _himself_. _He yawns, and lies down some ways away from his father. Enter another, he looks around surreptitiously and leans down over the sleeping_ PLAYER-PRINCE. _He opens his mouth, revealing white fangs, and then bites the neck of the sleeper. The_ VAMPIRE _flees. The_ PLAYER-PRINCE _convulses, writhing in evident pain. After a moment he sits up, and bears his teeth, revealing fangs. In a frenzy he jumps to his feet, sees his father nearby and falls upon him. The_ PLAYER-KING _awakes and struggles, but after a moment he falls still. The_ PLAYER-PRINCE _rises, his mouth now dripping with his father’s blood. The_ QUEEN _returns, makes passionate action, finding the_ KING _dead and her son standing over his corpse. The_ PRINCE _flees. The_ VAMPIRE _returns again, attended by two cloaked figures_. _He consoles the_ QUEEN _. The dead body is carried away. She seems harsh awhile, but in the end accepts his love. End of the mime, at which point the wail of a woman in torment and_ OPHELIA _appears, wailing, closely followed by_ HAMLET _in a hysterical state, shouting at her, circling her, both midstage._

HAMLET: Go to, I’ll no more on’t; it hath made me mad!

_She falls to her knees, weeping._

HAMLET: I say we will have no marriage! ( _His voice drops to include the_ TRAGEDIANS, _who have frozen_ ) Those that are married already ( _he leans in close to the_ PLAYER-QUEEN _and the_ VAMPIRE, _speaking with quiet edge_ ) all but one shall live. ( _he smiles briefly without mirth, showing his fangs, and starts to back out, his parting shot rising again_ ) The rest shall keep as they are. ( _As he leaves,_ OPHELIA _tottering upstage, he grabs her arm and speaks into her ear a quick clipped sentence.)_ To a nunnery, go. 

_Quick as a flash, he bites_ OPHELIA’ _s neck viciously, then goes out._ OPHELIA _falls on to her knees, clutching her neck, her sobs barely audible. A slight silence._

CLAUDIUS _and_ POLONIUS _enter and rush over to_ OPHELIA _and help her to her feet._

CLAUDIUS: She’s been bitten!

POLONIUS: ( _shaking in rage_ ) This murderous beast of the devil! He will pay for what he’s done!

CLAUDIUS: Please, calm yourself! You shall have your revenge, but for now we must attend to your daughter! If she is to be saved, we must bleed the poison from her veins immediately! And if she is not to be saved….

POLONIUS: W-what is it!?

CLAUDIUS: Then we must… restrain her.

_The two exit, carrying_ OPHELIA.

_Silence for a moment. Then the_ PLAYER _claps his hands loudly._

PLAYER: Well then! Act Two! Positions!

GUIL: Wasn’t that the end?

PLAYER: The end? With nary a bite mark in sight? Heavens no! It’s not over till all those marked for death are lying bloodless on the floor.

ROS: Marked?

PLAYER: We generally aim for the whole spectrum, from “just desserts” to “unfortunate victim”.

GUIL: But, who _decides_?

PLAYER: Decides? Why, it’s written! It’s planned out from the start! There’s no escaping, or changing possible or necessary! Now, the argument of the play!

_The actors return to their pantomime. The_ VAMPIRE KING _and_ QUEEN _entangle themselves on the ground in a love scene._

PLAYER: Having corrupted his nephew, and caused the death of his brother, the new king takes his sister-in-law as his wife. None but him know that he is secretly a monster. Here we see the two locked in a passionate embrace-

GUIL: Now! You can’t have them do that here!

PLAYER: Hmph. Fine. ( _to the actors_ ) Next!

_The actors scramble._

PLAYER: Now is when I enter. Lucianus, the nephew to the king! The new, vampiric king, that is. Mutated and transformed by his evil uncle’s bite, and accidentally the murderer of his own father in a frenzy of bloodlust. Loses his reason, alternating between suicidal melancholy and vengeful lunacy. He bites the woman he once loved ( _here he “bites”_ ALFRED _, who is in a dress_ ), and murders the king’s trusted advisor ( _here he “kills” “_ POLONIUS _”_ ). His uncle is unable to cope with the neophyte’s rampage. Til finally he is captured, by two bumbling vampire hunters ( _the_ PLAYER _is seized by the two hooded actors_ ), who take him out to sea on a boat in order to drown him and end his demonic terror. But while at sea, they are overpowered! ( _he throws off his two captors, they fall to the ground and do not move for the rest of the scene_ ) And what becomes of these two? Drowned at sea? Blood emptied and devoured? We shall never know!

_The mime has been fluid up to this point. The actors all bow, save the hooded ones on the ground._ ROS _claps hesitantly, but then slowly stops._

GUIL: W-why – this play. I- it can’t – It doesn’t – 

PLAYER: Why? Are you familiar with it?

GUIL: No.

PLAYER: A slaughterhouse – eight dead in all.

GUIL: Y-you! What do you know about vampires?!

PLAYER: Why, it’s what we do best. It’s all we _do_ know!

GUIL: These aren’t vampires! This isn’t death! It’s more than just melodrama, than falling at a maiden’s neck as she pretends to lie limp in your arms. There’s a terror. An unknowable, demonic terror to these creatures. 

_The light begins to fade as_ GUIL _speaks_

GUIL: Hunting them – hunting them is knowing your worst nightmare! It’s hunting the very puppets of the devil on Earth! Putting on some powder and dribbling ketchup on your chin can’t allow you to know that! To know that fear, that horror! It’s having your soul turn to ice and shrivel up, til you’re nothing more than a husk!

_The light is out now. A second of silence, then a loud racket. There are shouts, “The king rises!” “Give o’er the play!” and cries for “Lights, lights, lights!”_

_The lights come back on. The only people on stage are the two hooded figures lying on the ground, they sit up, and it is revealed that they are_ ROS _and_ GUIL.

_Enter_ CLAUDIUS

CLAUDIUS: Ho, Guildenstern!

ROS _jumps to his feet and stands at attention._ GUIL _stands up more slowly._

CLAUDIUS: Friends both, I have a job for you. Hamlet hath in madness Polonius slain, and Ophelia bitten and poisoned. The former is put now to rest, and the latter… oh I shudder to think of it, she was so disgusted with her now-marred form that she did baptize herself in holy water. It took but a minute before she perished. There is some good news. Hamlet, still in a rage and therefore careless was subdued by the palace guards. He is currently restrained in the chapel. I leave it to you two to take him out to sea immediately, tie him to an anchor, and sink his tortured soul into the ocean.

ROS _makes a move to say something, but is given no time._

CLAUDIUS: You must go now! There is no time to lose!

**_BLACKOUT_ **

ACT III

_There are soft sea sounds. The lights fade in slowly, leaving the stage only barely lit._

ROS: Rosencrantz?

GUIL: I’m right here.

ROS: Where are we?

GUIL: On a boat, I think.

ROS: Oh.

_Silence. The lights fade in some more, revealing more of their surroundings. There are three large barrels in the center of the stage, and behind them a large beach umbrella, big enough to obscure anything behind it._ ROS _and_ GUIL _are on the ground in front of the barrels. They rise._

GUIL: Where’s Hamlet?

ROS: Who?

GUIL: The vampire.

ROS: On the throne, I think.

GUIL: Probably below deck then.

ROS: Are we meant to drown him?

GUIL: Can you drown a vampire?

ROS: Is this a moral question or one of possibility?

GUIL: Both, I suppose.

_A pause._

ROS: Should we do it then?

GUIL: What?

ROS: Throw him overboard?

GUIL: I don’t think we’re meant to yet.

ROS: Well when are we?

GUIL: We’ll know when it happens.

_Silence again. After a moment, there is the sound of a flute, playing a very familiar melody._

ROS: ( _his head perks up_ ) Hold on.

GUIL: What is it?

ROS: I can hear – I thought I heard – music.

_They look around deck for a moment, before locating the source of the sound: the middle barrel._ GUIL _tentatively reaches to open it, but before he can the lid pops open and the_ PLAYER _bursts out._

PLAYER: Aha! All in the same boat then! ( _he climbs out_ ) Come on then!

_Behind him, impossibly, all of the_ TRAGEDIANS _climb out._

PLAYER: Where are we?

ROS: Traveling.

PLAYER: Ah.

GUIL: What are you doing here!?

PLAYER: Well, our performance was met with some… disfavor. As it happens, a castle plagued by a vampire does not like much to hear tales of it…

GUIL: Hm.

PLAYER: We had to make a run for it, in the end.

_There is a sudden sound of cannon fire._

ROS: W-what was that!?

_Gunfire and shouts ring out, more cannon fire._ HAMLET _appears from behind the umbrella._

GUIL: H-Hamlet!

_He and_ ROS _run from the vampire_

PLAYER: ( _looking “out at sea”_ ) P-PIRATES!

_The actors all scatter. There is pandemonium. Shouts of “Pirates!” and yelling, more gunfire. The lights flicker and then go out. Several more seconds of loud noises, and then silence. The lights return._

_The stage is now empty._

ROS: ( _voice emanating from indeterminate location_ ) H-have they gone?

ROS _peeks his head out of the leftmost barrel. Then_ GUIL _’s head pops out of the rightmost barrel._

GUIL: I think so.

_The pair climb out._

PLAYER: Are you certain?

_His head pops out of the middle barrel, as before. Then he and the_ TRAGEDIANS _climb out._

ROS: Well. What now?

PLAYER: Now? Now, nothing!

GUIL: What are you on about now?

PLAYER: We’re done!

ROS: What does that mean?

PLAYER: It means we’ve finished. We’ve played our part. Done our role. Offered up all the services we have.

ROS: B-but we didn’t even kill any vampires!

PLAYER: You were never meant to! The story’s not over, of course. Still the denouement, the catastrophe, you needn’t worry, there are more corpses to come, more treachery to be uncovered, but we haven’t anything to do with it!

GUIL: So we’re just done then? Doomed to be at sea with a bunch of lunatic vampire wannabes? 

PLAYER: Oh, I wouldn’t say that. Afterall, who ever said we were wannabes? ( _he smiles for the first time, revealing a mouthful of white teeth, and two large fangs._ )

_There is sudden action. The actors all jump upon_ ROS _and_ GUIL _but they fight back. There is a battle. In the end, the duo subdues each and every of the_ TRAGEDIANS _using the equipment they’ve had on their person since the start of the play. Each, true to their trade, dies romantically, heroically._

ROS: ( _covered in blood, sweating_ ) Are you okay?

_The lights begin fading._

GUIL: ( _panting_ ) I- I think I’ve been bitten.

ROS: Oh god, I think I have too.

GUIL: T-this can’t be the end, this can’t be all there is. There’s got to be something else, something more.

_It is nearly dark now._

ROS: …I think that’s it. I don’t care. I’ve had enough. To tell you the truth, I’m relieved.

_He disappears from view._ GUIL _does not notice._

GUIL: Our names shouted in a certain dawn… a message… services required… There must have been a chance for us to have said – no. But we missed it somehow. ( _he notices he’s alone)_  
Rosen–?  
Guil–?  
( _he gathers himself_ ) Well, we’ll know better next time. Now you see me, now you –

_He disappears. Immediately the stage is lit, revealing, arranged in the same positions as the_ TRAGEDIANS _in the previous scene, a tableau of court and corpses which is the last scene of Hamlet. The_ KING _has a stake though his heart, as does_ HAMLET. HORATIO _holds_ HAMLET. FORTINBRAS _is there._

_So are two_ MESSENGERS

MESSENGERS: The sight is dismal;  
and our affairs from the sea come too late.  
The ears are senseless that should give us hearing  
to tell him that the two hunters are gone.  
That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.  
Where should we have our thanks?

HORATIO: Not from his mouth,  
had it the ability of life to thank you:  
He would not want the two to be here.  
But since, so jump upon this bloody question,  
you from the Polack wars, and you from the sea,  
are her arrived, give order that these bodies  
high on a stage be placed to the view;  
and le me speak to the yet unknowing world  
how these things came about: so shall you hear  
of carnal, bloody and unnatural acts,  
of accidental judgments, casual slaughters,  
of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause,  
and, in this upshot, purposes mistook  
fallen on the inventors’ heads: all this can I  
truly deliver.

_But during this speech, the play fades out, overtaken by dark and music._


End file.
